There are a lot of A-Z pointers for dating on the Internet, but are you sure you’ve seen everything?
I am pretty sure everyone has ever read dating advice articles from Google search results in general, since just admit it, sometimes they are fun to read. Or maybe you have crammed every single one of those into your heads, as if it’s a textbook of romance, and your exam is tomorrow.
As if it’s not enough, some would even ask people around them who has successfully ‘partnered’ with their significant others.
The range of the answers will be as normal as, “Just be yourself!” and “Respect boundaries!”; to the ridiculous one where men and women are still restricted to their gender roles, “Women who pursue men are shameless,” followed by, “Men have been, and always should be the one who pursue women!”–as if women nowadays are still not allowed to have their own thoughts and act on it, and men nowadays love to be stereotyped, am I right?!
Well, I am not here to talk about those kinds of dating advice. Instead, I will be revealing the 4 important dating advice no one really talks about.
I tell these dating advice only to my closest friends whom seek my fruits of wisdom–picked fresh from my own experience, and what I took from other people’s experiences. Here goes:
1. Never do things you can’t keep on doing in the long run
“He used to do A when we first started dating, now it’s like he doesn’t appreciate me anymore,”
Familiar with this “used to” phrase with its variations?
Or are you more familiar with these examples:
You heard that the person you fancy loves to receive flowers–exactly a dozen red roses; so you have it in your hands right now, as you are going to meet that special one.
Or maybe you want to impress your date, so here you are, trying to recreate the filet mignon the two of you ate on your first date at home, 3 hours before your date comes over; even though the last time you tried to cook scrambled eggs, you set off the fire alarm.
Now, can you imagine–be realistic, now–that you will be able to provide the same level of gift extravagance or effort all the way? If your answer is no, don’t even try. Even if you just hesitated for a few seconds before answering yes, just don’t. Because what you are doing is, you are giving your partners reasons to have (too) high expectations towards the relationship.
This is like the extension of “Just be yourself!” advice: doing something extra just to woo someone ≠ being yourself. The expectation appears not necessarily because your partner is high maintenance, but they got the impression that the ‘dozen roses you’ = the ‘romantic and loving you’ just being yourself. So when you stop, they would think that you are not being as loving as before.
I mean, there is no way you would tell them that you did those so that they will fall for you, right?
2. Don’t let standards set by articles you read bother you
… I have to add, don’t let people’s standards bother you as well.
I, myself, sometimes fall short on this. Due to the culture and my friends’ experiences, I tend to fear that my partner and I are moving too fast. It’s as if there should be a calendar for relationships; which will show how many months should we date each other before we hold hands, you know? Or how long should two people date before they get engaged, and then get married. Well, no one can decide that for you other than you and your partner, obviously.
Or, another instance would be the somewhat heated debate on whether or not you should tell your new partner about your past relationships or sex lives. Some would vote yes–because honesty and trust is the foundation of every good relationship. Some would vote no–because it might add unnecessary drama.
As long as you and your partner are comfortable, just do it! Don’t forget that you and your partner are humans who can talk to each other. Communicate your concerns and ask questions!
And this will be the extension of the famous advice, “Communication is key of every good relationships.”
3. Stalk after, not before the date
This is especially common for first date situation from dating platforms.
With how social media has fused into the body and soul of some people, it gets easier to find out about the person you are seeing through one simple Google search of their name and surname. Well, stalking is an endless pit. A fun pit. Once you start, you’d want to keep on seeking.
… All the way until you have found out too much until you won’t be able to enjoy your date, since all you think about is how to not let the stalking results slip out.
Do it the old-school way instead! Dress well, meet your date and talk, and ask whatever that intrigues you–in a non-creepy way, I must add! Stalking should be done after; especially when they show dodgy behavior, or when you just feel like it. Actually, if the date goes well, the urge to stalk will most likely dissipate into thin air.
4. Talk about things which matter to you, EARLY
In the end, we are all human beings with our differences, but often when we are crushing on someone, we will subconsciously just show our best sides, just like birds doing mating dances. Sometimes that ‘best side’ isn’t even objectively ‘best’, it is ‘best’ just according to your potential mate.
Yes, this is somewhat related to the advice no. 2 above, but it will be more soul-crushing if you ignore this advice.
Some people will also conceal their weird hobbies, boundaries, and even beliefs in order to attract their crushes. By doing so, you are not only betraying that person you are with, but you are betraying yourself as well in the process.
- Do you not want to have sex before marriage?
- Or maybe you feel like your potential partner won’t like how you can only sleep with a blankie?
- Are you sure that you can’t let go of your religious beliefs for your agnostic crush?
- Do you have certain lines which shouldn’t be crossed, yet on the first date your date kept on crossing it, and it’s making you feel uncomfortable?
Say them out.
The right person will understand, a proper person will respect your choices and not guilt trip you for it. It can be a red flag test to save you from hurt later in life. They might leave you (and that’s their right to do that). Or, they might ghost you, maybe with a clichéd reason.
Whenever you say it out, someone who isn’t right for you won’t respect you for it and ghost you, or worse, mock your life choices (they won’t be right for anyone else either–maybe except for people pleasers who love to betray themselves so much). Let them go, mate.
(One of my friends actually inspired me to write this advice–she did exactly this, and she didn’t lose anything.)
Some of these advice might be easier to say than do, but well, true beauty comes from pain and suffering in the process. I mentioned on the headline that these dating advice are dating advice no one really talks about because, well, it’s not easy to just jab these onto your friends’ faces, right?
Do you have any dating stories, or even mishaps you would like to share? Feel free to leave some on the comments below!
from Mel to you.
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